squishisms.com

I wrote a blog today about pooping. *smh*

Sorry, had to get that out before I could move on.

I am feeling much better. I am not quite there, not quite over the finish line on my journey toward ‘Fine’, but much closer to it. In the homestretch, as it were. Which may or may not have to do with it being SEVENTY FIVE DAYS til Juneteenth. *cue heart racing again* I am |thisclose| to having at least a single bouquet finished, and all my invites are stamped and addressed and will go out tomorrow. Screw the checkmark, I drew a thick black line through that line-item with a friggen sharpie. DONE AND DONE. They aren’t perfect – but they’re mine, so they don’t have to be.

It might have to do with FINALLY having people over. Just a few, but enough to make me feel like I am part of something bigger than this house. Part of something OTHER than this house. This house which still isn’t completely unpacked or put together – which makes me want to cry, but I deal. Only so much a girl can do – and I promised myself I wouldn’t stress myself sick anymore. It was nice to have people here. To know that they don’t begrudge us our long hiatus due to finances and driving issues. And it made me feel like a grown up, if that makes sense, to have enough room to seat them all, plus us and our two dogs.

We won’t talk about the fact that I wore a hoodie most of the night. I’m already dealing with that.

It might have to do with this newfound motivation, determination and accountability. It might be that I decided that Work. Just. Isn’t. Worth. It. and let go. It’s someone else’s baby now – and I’ve never claimed to be a good babysitter. It might be that the wedding is 75 days away. The rest of my life starts in 75 days – and I am both ready and absolutelynotready for it to be here already.

It might be that I was reminded how rock solid Robbie and I are. How good a fit we are.

It might be that I spent an hour on the phone with my little sister.

It might be that Bauer is maybe, finally, getting the whole leash-training thing.

It might be that I went and looked at the boat today and everything I wanted is possible – and the owner is glad I’m not THAT Bride. (Side note: Why rent a party barge for a wedding and then try to make it something else? Something nicer? People boggle my brain.)

It might be that I am done waiting for other people to make an effort to make me happy and am now not only Seeking, but SEIZING my sunshine.

It might be that I have gotten to know my neighbors on at least a sight basis by walking my dog and feel safe in my neighborhood, even if nobody else does.

It might be that Bauer found his cojones and growled at Ken. We think he’s racist – my dog, not Ken.

Or… it just might be that I don’t give a damn anymore. About anything but MY happiness.

/shrug.

One of the reasons I am Childfree is that I know myself.  I would be a horrible parent.   I don’t like children for more than an hour or two at a time – and even then only if they are clean and well behaved.  I have no idea how to talk to them.  Conversations with my friends’ kids can often be painful, awkward moments for me…

I like dogs.  They trigger that mooshy/gooshy/maternal emotional response in me.  I have slightly more patience for an animal that literally cannot understand the words coming out of my mouth than a child who just doesn’t want to.  I know how to train and communicate with dogs…

At least I thought I did.

Bauer can sit and shake and stay and lay down and come(sometimes) and drop it, plays fetch and is learning to walk on a proper leash.  He knows what I mean when I tell him to get in his crate, or off the bed or couch.  He is learning to get Up in the car on his own, and didn’t foam at the mouth on Tuesday when we went for a ride without Ginger to comfort him…

But Bauer is not okay.  He is terrified and overly-submissive and agitated.  He cowers even when we try to feed him and hides in his crate if I raise my voice or have any semblance of an angry tone – regardless of who I am speaking to.  It’s worse with Robbie.  He gets too afraid to pee, and then either lets it all go subconsciously in acts of submission to Robbie – or in the middle of playing fetch because he just can’t hold it anymore…  and then he hides and shakes.  Or he’ll follow me step for step and sit right behind my feet when I tell him to go potty.

He’s always been timid.  We’re 90% sure the people before us were beating him.  But it was getting better…

And then we moved.

And suddenly it was much, much worse.  And I have no idea why.  Or how to fix it.  He wasn’t this spooked when we brought him home with us to the apartment – so I don’t think it’s the move itself that has him so worked up…

I feel like a horrible dog-mom.  My baby puppy is scared and hurting and sad and I have no idea how to fix it.  I am not even sure if maybe we haven’t caused it in some way – which makes me want to cry.  Both boys are Over It.  They didn’t sign up for puppy-drama and are frustrated at his lack of understanding that he is Physically Okay and Safe.  At having to clean up his messes when I am not home and… so I feel guilty for bothering the boys.  For bringing this poor, pathetic, high-maintenance dog into their home.

*I* am terrified he’s going to pee on something and irritate/frustrate the boys.  Which has me even more on edge.  And makes it even more stressful – which I know he picks up on.  He is eight months old and 42 pounds.  He is going to be a big dog.  Too big to be so afraid of everything.  I am terrified I won’t be able to fix it and something will happen and he’ll bite someone and have to be put down.  I have nightmares of it… or that I can’t fix it and Robbie decides he can’t deal and leaves us.  Or he asks me to get rid of Bauer/says we have to get rid of him.

I’ve scoured the internet.  I am trying everything listed to fix this.  I am not petting his head or standing over him or hugging him tight like I used to.  I am letting him win at Tug games and making a concentrated effort to not yell or use angry tones.  I am lying down on the floor if he starts to shake or get scared.  I am trying to distract him with a toy if the lying down doesn’t work.  I am making a point to exercise him when I get home: with a walk, or games of fetch/chase in the backyard.  I am making him sit and stay and shake to give him something to do that he is good at and try to build confidence.  I am letting him rest his head on the top of mine and praising him every chance I get.  I am using soft tones when asking if he wants to potty and then walking outside to stand in the middle of the yard in the rain so he doesn’t feel abandoned or punished for peeing.  I crawled with him into the living room to eat – taking a handful out of the bowl and placing it in front of him.  I let him hide in his crate as long as he wants to when he wants to…

But how long before it starts to work?

…and what if it doesn’t?