squishisms.com

want want want.  whine whine whine.

My life is so hard.

Even with so much good going on – I find things to bitch about.  To miss in my life.  To want.

Why do things matter?  Why can’t I let go of things I know I cannot have?  Why can’t I move past being petulant?  Why do I feel so cheated when my life is so full?  When did I get this entitled and can I go back?

Weddings make people crazy.  Mine is making me crazy.  I don’t DESERVE this.  I don’t DESERVE this love, or the party to celebrate it.  I don’t DESERVE a kickass cake or fancy top to go with my fancy skirt.  I don’t DESERVE the loyalty and love from my friends, and I don’t DESERVE for them to fly in from all over the country to be here with me.  I don’t DESERVE a week long honeymoon in Mexico.

And just because I got all THOSE things I didn’t deserve doesn’t mean I deserve shit else.

I am lucky.  Lucky to have what I have.  Lucky to have made the things work that are working.  Lucky people are coming.  Lucky to have a kickass cake and fancy skirt.

But I have spent the last few days pouting.  Feeling sorry for myself.  Even dreaming about the things I want but can’t have.  Its making me stressed out, snarky and, if we’re honest, downright hateful – even to people I love.  I’ve been dealing with work by smoking when I can find someone, anyone, to bum me one (which is not nearly often enough since Jeremy’s in Vegas for his anniversary!) – and dealing with home by going to the gym and having headphones on whenever I”m not watching TV.  I’ve been sad.  I’ve felt…I don’t even know the words for that one.  I’ve wondered why, JUST THIS ONCE, it couldn’t all happen.  I’ve wished for my own fairy godmother.  I’ve cried and railed and hated and whined and bitched and moaned… and eventually found my way back to clarity (almost?).

Life, especially mine, is never easy – and people, especially me, never get all they want.  These facts are what make us strong.  They make us grow.

The temptation is to say “I knew it wouldn’t work.  I never get to have nice things.”  But I do have nice things – just not as many as I’d like.  The temptation is to be mad at myself for living the last few years without care for increasing my income.  To belittle myself for being content with what I had, because what I had won’t get me what I want now.  The temptation is change the ‘want’ in the last sentence to ‘need.’   But I refuse to beat myself up.  I get enough of that elsewhere lol.

Why would my wedding be any different than anything else in life?  Why would life stop happening for my wedding?  Why did I, deep down, hope it would?  Why… lots of whys.

I want it to be perfect.  I’m a virgo.  It’s what I do.  What I crave.  What I strive each and every day for…

It is what it is.  And even if it’s not perfect; it’s mine.  I’m not perfect.  Why should anything other aspect of my life be?  Why can’t the Virgo in me take a vacation?  Maybe hire a nice Sag to housesit me for a while…

One of the reasons I am Childfree is that I know myself.  I would be a horrible parent.   I don’t like children for more than an hour or two at a time – and even then only if they are clean and well behaved.  I have no idea how to talk to them.  Conversations with my friends’ kids can often be painful, awkward moments for me…

I like dogs.  They trigger that mooshy/gooshy/maternal emotional response in me.  I have slightly more patience for an animal that literally cannot understand the words coming out of my mouth than a child who just doesn’t want to.  I know how to train and communicate with dogs…

At least I thought I did.

Bauer can sit and shake and stay and lay down and come(sometimes) and drop it, plays fetch and is learning to walk on a proper leash.  He knows what I mean when I tell him to get in his crate, or off the bed or couch.  He is learning to get Up in the car on his own, and didn’t foam at the mouth on Tuesday when we went for a ride without Ginger to comfort him…

But Bauer is not okay.  He is terrified and overly-submissive and agitated.  He cowers even when we try to feed him and hides in his crate if I raise my voice or have any semblance of an angry tone – regardless of who I am speaking to.  It’s worse with Robbie.  He gets too afraid to pee, and then either lets it all go subconsciously in acts of submission to Robbie – or in the middle of playing fetch because he just can’t hold it anymore…  and then he hides and shakes.  Or he’ll follow me step for step and sit right behind my feet when I tell him to go potty.

He’s always been timid.  We’re 90% sure the people before us were beating him.  But it was getting better…

And then we moved.

And suddenly it was much, much worse.  And I have no idea why.  Or how to fix it.  He wasn’t this spooked when we brought him home with us to the apartment – so I don’t think it’s the move itself that has him so worked up…

I feel like a horrible dog-mom.  My baby puppy is scared and hurting and sad and I have no idea how to fix it.  I am not even sure if maybe we haven’t caused it in some way – which makes me want to cry.  Both boys are Over It.  They didn’t sign up for puppy-drama and are frustrated at his lack of understanding that he is Physically Okay and Safe.  At having to clean up his messes when I am not home and… so I feel guilty for bothering the boys.  For bringing this poor, pathetic, high-maintenance dog into their home.

*I* am terrified he’s going to pee on something and irritate/frustrate the boys.  Which has me even more on edge.  And makes it even more stressful – which I know he picks up on.  He is eight months old and 42 pounds.  He is going to be a big dog.  Too big to be so afraid of everything.  I am terrified I won’t be able to fix it and something will happen and he’ll bite someone and have to be put down.  I have nightmares of it… or that I can’t fix it and Robbie decides he can’t deal and leaves us.  Or he asks me to get rid of Bauer/says we have to get rid of him.

I’ve scoured the internet.  I am trying everything listed to fix this.  I am not petting his head or standing over him or hugging him tight like I used to.  I am letting him win at Tug games and making a concentrated effort to not yell or use angry tones.  I am lying down on the floor if he starts to shake or get scared.  I am trying to distract him with a toy if the lying down doesn’t work.  I am making a point to exercise him when I get home: with a walk, or games of fetch/chase in the backyard.  I am making him sit and stay and shake to give him something to do that he is good at and try to build confidence.  I am letting him rest his head on the top of mine and praising him every chance I get.  I am using soft tones when asking if he wants to potty and then walking outside to stand in the middle of the yard in the rain so he doesn’t feel abandoned or punished for peeing.  I crawled with him into the living room to eat – taking a handful out of the bowl and placing it in front of him.  I let him hide in his crate as long as he wants to when he wants to…

But how long before it starts to work?

…and what if it doesn’t?