squishisms.com

I wrote a blog today about pooping. *smh*

Sorry, had to get that out before I could move on.

I am feeling much better. I am not quite there, not quite over the finish line on my journey toward ‘Fine’, but much closer to it. In the homestretch, as it were. Which may or may not have to do with it being SEVENTY FIVE DAYS til Juneteenth. *cue heart racing again* I am |thisclose| to having at least a single bouquet finished, and all my invites are stamped and addressed and will go out tomorrow. Screw the checkmark, I drew a thick black line through that line-item with a friggen sharpie. DONE AND DONE. They aren’t perfect – but they’re mine, so they don’t have to be.

It might have to do with FINALLY having people over. Just a few, but enough to make me feel like I am part of something bigger than this house. Part of something OTHER than this house. This house which still isn’t completely unpacked or put together – which makes me want to cry, but I deal. Only so much a girl can do – and I promised myself I wouldn’t stress myself sick anymore. It was nice to have people here. To know that they don’t begrudge us our long hiatus due to finances and driving issues. And it made me feel like a grown up, if that makes sense, to have enough room to seat them all, plus us and our two dogs.

We won’t talk about the fact that I wore a hoodie most of the night. I’m already dealing with that.

It might have to do with this newfound motivation, determination and accountability. It might be that I decided that Work. Just. Isn’t. Worth. It. and let go. It’s someone else’s baby now – and I’ve never claimed to be a good babysitter. It might be that the wedding is 75 days away. The rest of my life starts in 75 days – and I am both ready and absolutelynotready for it to be here already.

It might be that I was reminded how rock solid Robbie and I are. How good a fit we are.

It might be that I spent an hour on the phone with my little sister.

It might be that Bauer is maybe, finally, getting the whole leash-training thing.

It might be that I went and looked at the boat today and everything I wanted is possible – and the owner is glad I’m not THAT Bride. (Side note: Why rent a party barge for a wedding and then try to make it something else? Something nicer? People boggle my brain.)

It might be that I am done waiting for other people to make an effort to make me happy and am now not only Seeking, but SEIZING my sunshine.

It might be that I have gotten to know my neighbors on at least a sight basis by walking my dog and feel safe in my neighborhood, even if nobody else does.

It might be that Bauer found his cojones and growled at Ken. We think he’s racist – my dog, not Ken.

Or… it just might be that I don’t give a damn anymore. About anything but MY happiness.

/shrug.

I seem to have lost mine.

I’m determined to get it back though.

I’m tired of hating everything all the time. I’m tired of not believing anything will change, because there is nothing *I* can change.

I can change my attitude.

I will do what I need to in order to have the wedding I want. Anyone who takes issue with that is free to leave my life. I will get my dog leash trained. I will get Robbie’s dog pooping without crying, shaking or hesitating. I will keep my temper in check at work without cigarettes. I will lose the weight I want – because that is how I am going to deal with the stress of handling everything else – with exercise.

I was reminded on Friday that I am not alone. That there are people out there who love me, for me, with no strings attached. No expectations of me. They understand my situation and do what they can to help without bemoaning (or broadcasting) their sacrifice for me.

And because they’re there… I will find my optimism.

I won an award!  I Squee’d.  And then did a dance.  Yes, it might have resembled the Snoopy Dance…

Courtni gave me a Happy 101 Award.  The rules say I have to list ten things that make me happy and then pass it on to ten other bloggers…but I don’t know many other bloggers who haven’t already been given it lol.  So I’ll just say that if you list ten things that make you happy, and haven’t already got the award – consider it yours now.  :)

So… Ten Things That Make Amanda Happy:

1.       Sharpie Pens.  Is that weird?  I don’t care.  I love to write and doodle and am a compulsive list maker.  I’m also a Virgo who despises mess.  Sharpie pens are clean and crisp – they make words look definitive and important.  It’s bold font that doesn’t bleed through and looks prettier than Times New Roman… bringing me to numbah 2…

2.       My Handwriting.  Most of the time.  After 45 minutes of addressing envelopes it gets a little sketchy, but for the most part I love the way my handwriting looks (especially in sharpie pen).  I love the way I make the lower case letter ‘f’.   And I love the way my new name looks when I doodle it like a twelve year old with a crush.

3.       My new house.  The boys are not such big fans of it.  All they see is a decided lack of hot water and leaky sinks and holes in the fence.  I see space for my dogs to run and play and get out of my lap/hair.  I see places for my friends and family to gather and eat wings or pizza or pasta or enchiladas whenever I want.  I see privacy.  I see friendly neighbors and a park around the corner.  I see twenty steps in any direction without running into each other, a dog or a piece of furniture.  The rest will come.  Having a house makes me feel like we are really a family.

4.       Date Nights with Teridactyl.  Nights where the boys are banished to their respective corners and I can sit in my home and be a girl.  It means a lot to me that she drives so far out of her way to hang out with me.  And the longer I live with men, the more I appreciate the girl talk.

5.       Ke$ha.  I know, I know.  Don’t judge me.  Here’s the thing.  I know it’s ridiculous. I know she is ridiculous.  I don’t care.  The songs are upbeat and happy.  They remind me of driving home to Waco from Austin at 3 in the morning – sitting in Natalie’s car with the radio up.  When we most definitely should NOT have been driving.  When we didn’t quite understand all the lyrics, so made up our own ridiculous versions.  It’s like Ke$ha is the embodiment of those moments – only her lyrics are really that ridiculous.  I adore her.  And the feathers in her hair.

6.       Reading.  Specifically horrible, cheesy Supernatural Romance novels.  Gimme.  Gimmegimmegimmegimmie.  So much that I have a corner in the new house already slated for a papas an chair for me to curl up in to read where the dogs won’t fit and will have to bug someone else.  Shhh.  Itsa secret.  Iwon’t haven’t told the boys (yet).

7.       My family.  Robbie and my dogs being there every day when I get home is a bright shiny moment, every single day.

8.       Email.  I do a happy dance anytime I can email instead of call.  I get seriouslyfuckingpissedoff at places of business that do not have links for email or online communication and force a bitch to call.  We all know we are all making these things happen while at work nowadays.  It’s far easier to pretend to work while writing an email than sitting on the phone – and I ain’t got time to sit on hold, motherfuckers.  Getwithit.  It’s TWOTHOUSANDMOTHERFUCKINGTEN.  I should not have to pick up my phone ever.

*ahem*

9.       Butter Cookies.  And French fries.  And pie.  And cobbler.  And SourDough Bread.  And mashed potatoes.  Baked Potatoes.  Pasta… you get the point, I’m sure.  But the thought of fitting into a bikini of a specific size makes me happier – so I will be forsaking the starches.  I can do this.  For reals.

10.  And now I’ll be a big geek.  WoW makes me happy.  A lot.  I rarely group or play my level 80 character though.  I like the leveling.  The questing.  The killing of things by myself, with my headphones on.  Noone to tell me what to do or how to do it or when or why.  Just single minded killing or things that don’t matter cause they aren’t real… and I miss it when it’s gone.  When I cancel my subscription for months at a time… I always come back.  And – Truth?  Between you and me, I’m bad at it.  And I don’t care.

Is it sad my brain, when faced with the letter ‘V’ – immediately thought of the Sookie Stackhouse novels I’ve been reading?

Then I thought of my friend’s LongDeadVibrator named Vesuvio.

I am grateful for the entertainment both of these things have given me, though Vesuvio died more than a year ago.

But V is for Vanity.

Vanity probably seems a bit strange as a topic for these specific blogs… but I can explain.

I am vain.  I can admit it.  In fact, I just did lol.   Looking nice matters to me.  It’s the number one motivator for my continuing to not smoke – which Iam grateful for.  Despite the weight gain, and the emotional outbursts I am still learning to control…  I know I look better.  My nails aren’t yellow, warped or cracking.  My teeth are visibly whiter.  My hair grows faster and my chin and cheeks break out less often – since I am not pressing my fingers against them all day long to get the cigarette to my lips and the nicotine in to my lungs.  I SMELL better – which is an instant attractiveness boost in anyone’s book.

As much as I want another cigarette – and don’t think I don’t want one more than you could possibly imagine – I am equally reluctant to undo the physical differences quitting has had on me.  For (exactly!) 50 weeks now, that has kept me (relatively) smoke free.  It is why I haven’t brought smokes home.

Even the reluctance to FAIL at quitting can be attributed to my Vanity.  Failing to quit smoking is a very public failure.  Everyone will know if I fail – and we’ve already gone over how much I hate to fail in front of people.

My Vanity has me making a conscious effort to eat better – and now with less frequency.  I am also heading back to the gym after a two (three?) week hiatus.  It has me rediscovering how much I love a good salad…and cottage cheese with sunflower kernels…etc

Despite my weight gain in the last year… I am healthier than I was this time last year.  And I am working my way down in the weight department as well.

My Vanity spurs my determination…  and I am grateful for that.  I figure its better than more than a few of the other Sins anyway…

I had always heard that it was at 27 that a person was no longer able to eat anything they wanted and get away with it.  That at age 27 our metabolisms started to slow down…

And whether that is true in general or not… whether there were other factors involved in my weight gain or not, the facts are that in January, when I started gaining weight despite all my best intentions, all the things that had always worked before, I was 27.  I have monitored my caloric intake for the last two months now, and I am not consuming astronomical quantities of food…

So in the last year I have been adjusting my Diet.  And I am learning to appreciate a well balanced Diet.

Due to the changes I have made in my diet, I have learned I am not, in fact, lactose intolerant.  I spent YEARS thinking this was true.  Moderating my intake and passing up on queso because I didn’t have a pill with me.  This, in case you don’t know me very well, made for a VERY SAD PANDA.

I have never been so grateful for anything in my life as I am for the changes adding the recommended amount of fiber to my diet has made.

I have also had to try new foods, new recipes in my quest to win at what I like to call Tummy-Tetris.  In trying to fit the right amounts of the right foods into my body I have had to think outside the box – which has lessened the monotony of my meals.  I have learned to like new things – like red bell peppers and pizza on a chicken, and rediscovered lost favorites like a spinach salad with green apples, walnuts, sharp cheddar and raspberry vinaigrette.

I am bloated less often.  I have an upset stomach less often.  I sleep better at night and have more energy during the day.  I can tell the difference between being dehydrated and hungry…  which leads me to a small confession…

I don’t like to drink as much.

Yeah.  I said it. I’ll give you a minute to pick your jaw off of the floor…

My Diet is leading toward the Death of my Drinking.  Because as soon as I start Drinking, my lips start to chap.  After a few drinks, all I want is a glass of water as big and round as my head.  And since this leads to fewer hangovers and lower pill-bills – I can’t say I’m not grateful for the change.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still outdrink nine out of ten men if there is vodka involved… but I have less of an inclination to do so.  …unless we’re talking wine or mimosas – in which case: It. Is. On.

The thing I have learned to appreciate the most about making an effort to eat a healthy Diet is that the Devil is in the Details.

I’m a Virgo.  Details are my life.  They are the Devil on my shoulder where Diet is concerned.  They whisper naughty things to me…  I could justify some fried chicken, knowing it’s a bad idea, by putting it in a salad.  Or because two days ago I miraculously stayed under my limit for fat grams…  Bacon is better than sausage; let’s put it in everything(!) – I need the protein anyway…

Confession #2:  The Details make my naughty bits tingle.  (Yeah, I went there.)  They are my temptation.  What I withstand.  They add Drama and excitement to an otherwise Dull endeavor.  They are the conflict in the plot of my Diet.  They are the harlot; the gypsy in a red dress.  The Distraction from all that is rightandgood (and necessary for the Floating Wedding Reception of Awesomeness…).  They give me something to be proud of, every single day.

Without the Details, the Diet would be boring and I’d have lost interest months ago.