squishisms.com

There seems to be some sort of misunderstanding… Because, you see, I am not The One – and thus neither is my wedding.

I am not the one to give a flying fuck if you think my invites should already be designed and printed and stuffed into envelopes.

I am not the the one to care if you are offended by my cheeky wording.

I am not the one who will cry if you talk to all your friends about how ‘tacky’ my wedding is going to be – in your most humble opinion, of course.

Get over yourself.

Guess what?

Technically – for all intents and purposes – we are ALREADY married. The purpose of this wedding isn’t to get married. Married is a legal thing – one that friends of mine are not currently allowed – so the MARRIAGE part of this doesn’t so much matter to me. I am not having a wedding to get married – so stop thinking of it as a wedding.

This is a celebration. A PARTY. The first of many that we will host together, as a couple – almost completely on our own financially. So things will happen as we can afford them. And we will take a moment to tell you exactly what we are committed to in this relationship, and then the pomp and ceremony is done.

Nothing formal.

It’s ON A BOAT FOR GODS SAKE.

There won’t be any I Corinthians, or a unity candle or sand ceremony. No toasts. No first dance. No Father/Daughter dance. No garter toss. No grand send off through a rain of rice/bubbles/confetti.

There will be barbecue. There will be electronic music by the best DJs we know and happyfuntimemusic courtesy of our IPOD. There will be bubbles and confetti and candy and fun. Beer. Bikinis.

Doesn’t sound like the wedding that would require raised type on vellum paper invites, does it? Count yourself lucky I didn’t just send an evite. Cause I thought about it. Seriously.

Additionally – It is not the only thing going on in my life. I have a full time job that, to be frankly fucking honest, is NOT going well at the moment. I’m doing the work, literally, of three people more days than not. I also have a puppy to train and work with so he doesn’t eat off anyone’s face or pee everywhere when they come into my house for the rehearsal dinner. I have to make time to lose the weight I want to to wear what I want to on this Floating Wedding Reception of Awesomeness that we are hosting. I also have to shower and clean the house and brush my teeth and go to the eye dr and grocery shopping and I can’t even tell you when I last watched a basketball game.

So – if I seem a bit behind to you… If I seem a bit disorganized… Fuck off.

Yeah, I went there.

Fuck right off. You have no idea what else I have going on or what else I am juggling to try to keep my life going AND planning and paying for a wedding on a budget with one income to entertain and include you in “the most special day of our lives.” You have no fucking clue how organized I am. My LISTS HAVE LISTS. color coded and tabbed and spreadsheeted.

And frankly, if I “obviously don’t have time” to do the things you think I should be doing, when you think I should be doing them – then obviously I don’t have the time or energy to give a fuck what you think about it.

/fin

And now, I go shopping.

One of the reasons I am Childfree is that I know myself.  I would be a horrible parent.   I don’t like children for more than an hour or two at a time – and even then only if they are clean and well behaved.  I have no idea how to talk to them.  Conversations with my friends’ kids can often be painful, awkward moments for me…

I like dogs.  They trigger that mooshy/gooshy/maternal emotional response in me.  I have slightly more patience for an animal that literally cannot understand the words coming out of my mouth than a child who just doesn’t want to.  I know how to train and communicate with dogs…

At least I thought I did.

Bauer can sit and shake and stay and lay down and come(sometimes) and drop it, plays fetch and is learning to walk on a proper leash.  He knows what I mean when I tell him to get in his crate, or off the bed or couch.  He is learning to get Up in the car on his own, and didn’t foam at the mouth on Tuesday when we went for a ride without Ginger to comfort him…

But Bauer is not okay.  He is terrified and overly-submissive and agitated.  He cowers even when we try to feed him and hides in his crate if I raise my voice or have any semblance of an angry tone – regardless of who I am speaking to.  It’s worse with Robbie.  He gets too afraid to pee, and then either lets it all go subconsciously in acts of submission to Robbie – or in the middle of playing fetch because he just can’t hold it anymore…  and then he hides and shakes.  Or he’ll follow me step for step and sit right behind my feet when I tell him to go potty.

He’s always been timid.  We’re 90% sure the people before us were beating him.  But it was getting better…

And then we moved.

And suddenly it was much, much worse.  And I have no idea why.  Or how to fix it.  He wasn’t this spooked when we brought him home with us to the apartment – so I don’t think it’s the move itself that has him so worked up…

I feel like a horrible dog-mom.  My baby puppy is scared and hurting and sad and I have no idea how to fix it.  I am not even sure if maybe we haven’t caused it in some way – which makes me want to cry.  Both boys are Over It.  They didn’t sign up for puppy-drama and are frustrated at his lack of understanding that he is Physically Okay and Safe.  At having to clean up his messes when I am not home and… so I feel guilty for bothering the boys.  For bringing this poor, pathetic, high-maintenance dog into their home.

*I* am terrified he’s going to pee on something and irritate/frustrate the boys.  Which has me even more on edge.  And makes it even more stressful – which I know he picks up on.  He is eight months old and 42 pounds.  He is going to be a big dog.  Too big to be so afraid of everything.  I am terrified I won’t be able to fix it and something will happen and he’ll bite someone and have to be put down.  I have nightmares of it… or that I can’t fix it and Robbie decides he can’t deal and leaves us.  Or he asks me to get rid of Bauer/says we have to get rid of him.

I’ve scoured the internet.  I am trying everything listed to fix this.  I am not petting his head or standing over him or hugging him tight like I used to.  I am letting him win at Tug games and making a concentrated effort to not yell or use angry tones.  I am lying down on the floor if he starts to shake or get scared.  I am trying to distract him with a toy if the lying down doesn’t work.  I am making a point to exercise him when I get home: with a walk, or games of fetch/chase in the backyard.  I am making him sit and stay and shake to give him something to do that he is good at and try to build confidence.  I am letting him rest his head on the top of mine and praising him every chance I get.  I am using soft tones when asking if he wants to potty and then walking outside to stand in the middle of the yard in the rain so he doesn’t feel abandoned or punished for peeing.  I crawled with him into the living room to eat – taking a handful out of the bowl and placing it in front of him.  I let him hide in his crate as long as he wants to when he wants to…

But how long before it starts to work?

…and what if it doesn’t?