Any 8 year can tell you what it means, if you aren’t sure.
*ahem*
Xamine Your Zipper.
Now, bear with me for a minute while we skinny dip in a sea of metaphor.
Wow. That was just mean. I apologize. I couldn’t help myself though. Stay with me. It IS game day and I might have had some vodka. I’m getting somewhere though, I promise.
*ahem*
Socrates said “The unexamined life is not worth living.” I have spent these last twenty-five days reflecting on my life. Examining the last year in minute detail as I strove to find things to be grateful for that began with certain letters. I found, as mentioned in the S blog, that there was much more than I expected.
Some days though, it was a struggle – and I let all my ugly bits hang out for the world to see. One day, in particular, I neglected to ‘Xamine {my} Zipper.’ And instead just spewed ugly in your eyes.
Yeah, I went there.
I told you – a SEA of metaphor here today ladies and gents.
A zipper holds back, hides, the ’shameful’ parts of us. The parts society says should be kept private. That society has insisted are Private for long, that it became a euphemism. Parts of us that, frankly, no one else wants to see without advanced warning, and then may still put the kibosh on the idea of letting all that hang out in the breeze…
My biggest lesson in the last year has been to examine that line. As I’ve quit smoking and re-learned to manage my emotions. As I got in trouble for blogging at work because my words hurt someone’s feelings (again.) My lesson has been learning when to share…and when to simply sit quietly. To think about WHY I want to say something, and try to do so before saying it. To determine if I SHOULD unzip… in that moment…that situation. To evaluate if the good it does me outweighs the harm it could cause another. And then to act accordingly.
I have learned that when I do this – I find my Xanadu. I am the ruler of my little slice of life, with a pretty palace near a sacred river. But it is every bit as fleeting as Coleridge’s Opium-induced vision… For though I am older than I was, I am not yet wise – and I find myself grateful for my follies – because I truly believe they are what is keeping me Young (at heart.)
And I am grateful for the Zipper that separates it all.
Is it sad my brain, when faced with the letter ‘V’ – immediately thought of the Sookie Stackhouse novels I’ve been reading?
Then I thought of my friend’s LongDeadVibrator named Vesuvio.
I am grateful for the entertainment both of these things have given me, though Vesuvio died more than a year ago.
But V is for Vanity.
Vanity probably seems a bit strange as a topic for these specific blogs… but I can explain.
I am vain. I can admit it. In fact, I just did lol. Looking nice matters to me. It’s the number one motivator for my continuing to not smoke – which Iam grateful for. Despite the weight gain, and the emotional outbursts I am still learning to control… I know I look better. My nails aren’t yellow, warped or cracking. My teeth are visibly whiter. My hair grows faster and my chin and cheeks break out less often – since I am not pressing my fingers against them all day long to get the cigarette to my lips and the nicotine in to my lungs. I SMELL better – which is an instant attractiveness boost in anyone’s book.
As much as I want another cigarette – and don’t think I don’t want one more than you could possibly imagine – I am equally reluctant to undo the physical differences quitting has had on me. For (exactly!) 50 weeks now, that has kept me (relatively) smoke free. It is why I haven’t brought smokes home.
Even the reluctance to FAIL at quitting can be attributed to my Vanity. Failing to quit smoking is a very public failure. Everyone will know if I fail – and we’ve already gone over how much I hate to fail in front of people.
My Vanity has me making a conscious effort to eat better – and now with less frequency. I am also heading back to the gym after a two (three?) week hiatus. It has me rediscovering how much I love a good salad…and cottage cheese with sunflower kernels…etc
Despite my weight gain in the last year… I am healthier than I was this time last year. And I am working my way down in the weight department as well.
My Vanity spurs my determination… and I am grateful for that. I figure its better than more than a few of the other Sins anyway…
I got stuck on the H’s. To be blunt, someone at work is harassing me with toy spiders and I touched one this morning before I realized it was there and it completely threw my groove off the rest of the day. It was almost impossible to think past the spiders. I was able to blank my mind by playing WoW when I got home, but any time I tried to focus to write this blog… my brain would immediately turn to the fact that I touched a spider – toy or not – and the tears would well up and the nearly uncontrollable urge to strip and search myself for creepy-crawlies would start.
And then there were my friends. Whom I did a complete disservice to by not mentioning on day 6. On facebook, which was also forgotten. Offering comfort, beat downs, and ideas.
Offering Help.
So this one’s for my Homies – who have made more of a difference in my life than they could ever know.
Happiness: I have known more happiness in the last year than I ever would have imagined possible. I have a Family. Someones who loves me waiting to see me at the end of the day. Who will hold me when I cry for no reason. Who will protect me as soon as he figures out how to be brave. Who will lick me – because she’s just so damn happy I’m home. That kind of happiness seeps into the rest of your life, whether you want it to or not. I find myself smiling at work for no reason at all. They don’t matter anymore. Even today, with spider-shenanigans going on… I knew that once I got home it would all be better. That is what allowed me to quit smoking. To sever unhealthy ties. I am, for the most part, GROSSLY happy.
Health: I can run two miles and keep my heart rate under 160. A year ago, by the time I hit a half mile my heart rate was in the high 170s and I’d have to slow down. I can take the stairs without panting like a dog in heat. I can play tug with my 50 pound puppy and pick him up off the floor by a T-shirt tied in a knot. I definitely gained weight…but I am still healthier now than I was a year ago.
Home… I have a blog somewhere… on one of the other sites… that covers my feelings on my Home now infinitely more adequately than I could possibly do today… but I can’t find it. /shrug. I never thought I’d have a Home. With a family and stuff. Not in one place. I never thought I’d think about Home Ownership at some point. with things like a lawn and pipes that need plumbing and shite. And yet…here I am. Calling this tiny ass apartment that is entirely too small for the three people and two dogs it houses my Home. Admitting that it Houses everything that matters most in the world to me. I’m one of the lucky ones. Whodathunk?
Hope. I has it. Even when I’m so irritated I could scream, I feel safe enough to hope tomorrow will be better, and go paint my toes instead of screaming, plotting or planning. I’ve relaxed. I trust in tomorrow because I am okay with today, even on the worst days. Any my Hope for the future is shiny and filled with dinosaurs, bubbles, fake mustaches, ridiculous Hats, and Hoodies. (Man, I love Hoodies.)
HUMMUS. Hummus is protein! Hummus gives me something Healthy to eat in lieu of dip made with cream cheese. Add in some roasted red pepper and I am a very happy Squish. NOM NOM NOM.
(less) Hangovers! Indeed. I think that says it all, really.
Hornitos I have never had, and Hamburgers only exist in their Cheesydeliciousburger form in Squishtopia… So i had to pass on those lol. But HEAT. O Lawd, the HEAT. Let me tell you something:
We are all aware of the FattyFatFatNeedsToFitHerFatAssIntoABikini plan. (Also known as: Tetris for the Tummy.) Unfortunately, I quit smoking, which is rather counter-productive on many levels to this plan. In addition to snacking more for the first six months as a nonsmoker, my metabolism also took a nosedive. So, we thought it would be good to jumpstart it back up. And we found pills that would do so, and curb my newfound all-the-time-appetite as well. The fun side effect? HEAT. Oh. My. GAWD. The Heat. I could warm a village with the Heat I now radiate. I am COMFORTABLE in 45/50 degree weather. This is not usual. Typically I start freezing solid if the temperature dips below 71. It is December (albeit in Texas, I know) and I am |thisclose| to sleeping with my windows open… But I’ve lost two inches around my middle and a half inch off each calf since starting the pills. No shit.
I’ll take it.
Hodum. Of the Genus De Anne. of De Anne of the Hodum Genus? either way – the Hodum is my officiant for the wedding. Again, I think that says it all.
Humility… This latest blogging endeavor… this Days of Gratefulness, blog-a-day for 26 days thing I thought would be a great idea has taught me a thing or two about Humility… and we are only on Day 8 folks. Waking up yesterday and remembering that all I had to say on Wednesday was “fuck you” was not exactly my proudest moment. However… I find a sort of beauty in those dark, raw, embarrassing moments. It’s unfinished honesty. SeaGlass that isn’t quite done yet. Cookies taken out a few minutes early so the center is still gooey and soft… I wrote a blog once about being an Oreo – and letting life dunk you in over your head in milk to soften you up; keep you from being too hard… And I am reminded of that every time I fuck up in a big, dramatic, PUBLIC way. And then I wonder if Gandhi was ever embarrassed….
Humanity…. I’m going to be a nerd for a whole second here and mention that in last night’s episode of Bones – they mentioned that sometimes they forget that the bones they work with are/were People. I have that same problem, and I work with them before they are just bones. I forget that the person I question is able to put on pants alone – is someone’s mom…brother…lover…friend… They may save kittens at the split of I-35 at night three times a week, or go have lunch at the nursing home on Sunday, even though they don’t have family there. The assmonkey putting spiders on my desk? *I* caused that. Doesn’t change the fact that they are putting spiders on my desk rather than talking to me like an adult… but I am most bothered by the fact that someone has that amount of HATRED for me. To know of my phobia, and use it against me malevolently… Maliciously… Because *I* am doing something wrong, forgetting someone’s humanity… It’s a hard lesson to learn.
Humor… Robbie thinks I am funny. He laughs at my jokes. I never considered myself a funny person before…but I amuse Robbie. And truth be told… he amuses me too. And he’s not funny either…but I laugh anyway. Genuinely. Maybe it’s that I’ve learned to appreciate bad jokes on a different level…in a different way… /shrug. The dogs amuse me endlessly. But that’s not really humor…. or is it? Is humor what you make it? Where you find it? Bad dancing to horrible 80s music in the kitchen on a Sunday morning… the puppy missing the couch entirely when he jumps sometimes… Maybe I find more Humor in life because I am Happy…
and i have to stop there. My brain is tired now lol. I still had Hats, Headbanging, HouseMusic, Hot Pockets, Howl(ing), and HipHop to go…
